Emma's Story

Now that some time has passed since I lost my beloved Emma, I thought I would share the last few weeks of her life. I know some of my clients are wondering what happened - she was doing so well, and suddenly, she was gone. I still feel the emptiness and still cry almost every day (or at least get teary-eyed). It's still difficult to talk about, but I'm hoping that the more I talk about it, the more I will heal.

In early November, we celebrated Emma's 1 year anniversary of her unilateral tieback surgery. As most of you know, Emma had laryngeal paralysis, and the UTB surgery made it easier for her to breath again. This past year, we had concentrated on keeping her rear end strong, so we were doing rehab, which included underwater treadmill, exercises, acupuncture and laser therapy. This was working really well, and she was feeling good for a little old lady.

However, in early November, she started limping suddenly one afternoon after getting up from a nap. She was limping on her right front leg/shoulder. She had pulled a bicep before, and I kind of assumed that's what it was. The next visit to the rehab vet, I mentioned that she was sore on that leg, and they took it easy on her. Dr. Chau, the rehab vet, thought it was tendonitis in her shoulder. So for the next couple of weeks, we took it easy. We stopped taking walks except for potty breaks, and we only did laser and acupuncture for the pain. I started giving Emma Metacam (an anti-inflammatory that she's taken as needed in the past) but it didn't seem to help. And after 3 straight days of Metacam, Emma developed diarrhea from it (she'd had a horrible reaction to another anti-inflammatory a few years ago). Dr. Luce (Emma's regular vet at Aldie Vet Hospital) suggested we stop all anti-inflammatories, because she was obviously having a bad reaction to it. So all I gave her for the pain was Tramadol.

After two weeks, nothing really seemed to be helping - she still limped just as much as she had at the beginning. I took her in for laser treatmet on November 17th, and Dr. Chau came in to feel around. After some poking and prodding, she realized that it wasn't tendonitis or a muscle pull. She thought the pain was in the bone, and told me I needed to get an x-ray, because she thought it might be cancer. She also prescribed gabapentin, which is a pain medication for nerve pain, since the tramadol wasn't really helping at all. I called Aldie and scheduled the x-ray for the following Monday, November 21st. Then I went home and started crying.

On Monday, Dr. Pattie at Aldie did the x-rays, and called me to come get Emma. Dr. Pattie didn't find cancer in Emma's bones, but she found a large mass deep in her chest. Her best guess was that the mass had fingers into her brachial plexus, which is the large bundle of nerves that control the front leg and shoulder (and neck). It was probably causing nerve pain in her leg, which is why she was limping. This mass was actually on x-rays we'd done in May, when Emma had aspiration pneumonia. But no one had been looking for it - they were concentrating on the lungs instead. Because of where it was in her chest, it was inoperable - even doing a biopsy would've been dangerous, because one tiny nick of the wrong thing could make her unable to walk or breathe. So we didn't even know if it was malignant or benign. Really the only option was to try prednisone. Prednisone sometimes shrinks tumors, so it was worth trying to see if we could at least ease the nerve pain a bit. I upped Emma's gabapentin and started her on the prednisone Monday evening. Apparently, prednisone is supposed to act quite quickly, so Dr. Pattie had told me that within about 48 hours, I should notice a difference if it was going to help.

By Tuesday night, Emma couldn't really stand or walk anymore. I'm still not sure what happened with her back end, but she literally couldn't hold her body weight up. We had to take her outside with a Help Em Up harness, which has a handle at the shoulders and a handle at the hips. But even that was really difficult - she was a dead weight, 70 lbs. We also had to hold the harness while she was squatting. I couldn't feed her in a standing position for obvious reasons. So I would move her over to her bed, and feed her while she was laying down. It broke my heart - Emma had always loved to walk, almost as much as she loved to eat. And her life now was spent almost 100% lying down. She was still eating really well. Wednesday was the same. On Wednesday, I started thinking about the inevitable. I would lie on the floor next to her dog bed, and stroke her, and hold her head, and cry and apologize because I couldn't fix this one for her.

On Thanksgiving, she seemed to be in greater pain, despite the medication. She was panting alot, even though it was quite cool outside. On Thanksgiving, I realized that I really couldn't safely get her outside by myself (without my husband Scott's help). I just wasn't strong enough. We did take her outside and put down a blanket on the grass, and we all hung out in the warm sunshine. We took some nice pictures of her. I knew by that morning that, if there was no change on Friday, it was time.

On Friday, I had to open at the daycare, meaning I had to get up at 5AM. I had to wake Scott up at 5:30 to help me take her outside to potty. Then I went to work. I called Aldie and scheduled the appointment with Dr. Pattie for 1:00PM. I came home at lunch, and Scott and I shared our lunch with her one last time. I rode in the back of the 4Runner with her on the way to the vet.

I won't go into the details at the vet, except to say that everyone at Aldie was terribly upset too, and they all came in to say goodbye to her. It took a while to settle her down, and then, she was gone. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and the worst day of my life. She was my heart dog, and meant everything to me. She always managed to beat her illnesses with grace and stubbornness. She fought the good fight, but in the end, there wasn't anything we could do. I know I did the right thing, and at the right time, but I didn't want to let her go. I think she was ready, but I wasn't. The hole that she left behind can't be filled I don't think, not by anyone.

Murphy and Leeloo (my other 2 dogs) were upset - especially Murphy. He was very attached to Emma, and I know he was sad. He was very clingy - for those of you who know him, he's already a mama's boy (and clingy with me). But he was laying on my lap all the time the first week or two. Leeloo is very sensitive to everyone's moods - other dogs, people, etc. So she spent a lot of time cleaning my face and worrying over me. They both seem okay now and are settling in to the new schedule and our new life.

In the end, there was nothing I could do (or would have done) for Emma except to let her go. If love could have kept her alive, she would have lived forever. I have 12 years of memories and lots of pictures, and I hope that someday, that will be enough. I miss stroking her soft coat, and holding her head against my chest, and giving her kisses on her soft Lab lips. I miss her stinky kisses, and the constant pawing for attention. I miss the silent barking when she was begging for food. I miss the pig rolls and the occasional tug o' war with a fish toy. I miss worrying over her. I miss you Emma Bean, rest in peace.